Wanted (The Dare to Dream Series Book 1) Read online

  Wanted

  Jennifer Kittredge

  A CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE NOVEL

  Copyright © 2018 by Jennifer Kittredge

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  A JENNIFER KITTREDGE Title

  IMPRINT: Contemporary Romance

  WANTED

  Copyright © 2018 by Jennifer Kittredge

  Cover Artist: Desiree Koudele

  Editor: Mary Spires & Judah Raine

  First Publication: 2018

  All cover art and logo copyright © 2018 by Jennifer Kittredge

  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED: This literary work may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, including electronic or photographic reproduction, in whole or in part, without express written permission.

  All characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is strictly coincidental.

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  Dedication

  To my hubbs, thank you for always supporting me. I love you.

  To my BFF, there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted. Love you so.

  Chapter One

  I despised the fact that I was so miserable.

  “This is a fucking joke,” I thought to myself. In all my life I knew what I wanted, went after it, and got it. Now that I had it, I was miserable. “Ironic, isn’t it?” I muttered to myself.

  Where did it all go wrong? I was stuck in a loveless marriage to a man I barely knew anymore, living a life I no longer wanted to live, feeling completely overwhelmed and alone. From the outside looking in, my life was picture-perfect. My marriage was envied by our closest friends. Even those that didn’t know us envied what we had. We put up an amazing front for others, but when we were alone, there was nothing. No love, no passion, no connection. Nothing.

  I got up from my chair and wandered outside to the lanai. I looked around our magnificent back yard, taking in the beauty surrounding me. One thought consumed me:

  “Kate Jones, you have to get out of here,” I said aloud.

  But how? How could I leave all that we had built? The years invested in our marriage, the career I put on hold, and our children… It would all be in vain if I left. What would everyone think? How could I leave all I knew? Did I want to rebuild and start over?

  “God, this sucks,” I said aloud. “How can I leave—but how can I stay?”

  My phone rang, and I answered it begrudgingly. I wanted time to myself. Time to process and think about all the feelings coursing through my body. Maybe it was just my hormones. Since I had turned forty, those things had been fucking crazy. Up and down, round and round. It wasn’t until I finally talked to my doctor about them that I was able to get them under control. Thank God. I had grown tired of being anxious and crying all the time. I had become this vulnerable, sniveling, weak person—whom, if anyone knew me at all, they would know wasn’t me. So glad my doc was able to figure me out. Those hormones were brutal.

  On the other end was my always bright and cheery best friend, Jen. She had everything I dreamed of, everything I once believed I had, up until this last year. She had a loving husband who was fun, adventurous, and passionate, a sex life beyond comprehension, and intimacy most women would die for. Even after twenty-plus years of marriage.

  “Hey, Jen.”

  “Hey Kate! What are you up to for dinner tonight? Want to get together and have some wine?”

  “I don’t know, Jen. I’m just not up for it. This shit with Daniel has got me all fucked up.”

  “And that’s why you need wine, my friend. Let’s meet up at Carmel’s at seven sharp.” Before I could argue, she hung up.

  “Well, I guess it’s a done deal, then,” I muttered.

  That was Jen. Never taking no for an answer and always having a sixth sense for when I needed a good talk.

  I went about my day in a semi-fog. The reality of what was in front of me was heavy. It weighed on me like a cinder block. I was miserable in my current existence, yet so afraid to do anything about it. The kids were grown and in college. Carson and Camryn were both out of state, finding their way in their own worlds. Yes, they’d come home for holidays, but both kids had their own lives to live. They didn’t need me as much. I did miss them, but I knew they were where they were supposed to be. This was their time. I wanted them to enjoy every single moment of it.

  Seven rolled around and I was at the bar at Carmel with a glass of Chardonnay. Jen came in, all her bubbly self. She hugged me and ordered a glass of red zin, her favorite.

  “Okay, lady, spill it. What in God’s name is going on with you? You’re off. You’ve been off. I thought it was the kids both being away, but I know you and there’s more to it. Give it up.”

  “Ugh, Jen. I don’t know.” I took a long sip of wine. “Well, I do know. I’m absolutely miserable in my life. Daniel hasn’t paid attention to me in months—maybe years, now that I think about it. I’m not really living, I feel like I’m merely existing.”

  Tears welled in my eyes as I said the words. They were painful, but they were true. He hadn’t really touched me in months. When we did make love, it was boring, vanilla. The passion and spark were gone and the mere thought of sex with him was beginning to repulse me.

  “Am I that undesirable, Jen? Have I lost it after all these years? I feel so alone and rejected.” As I said those words, the tears spilled from my eyes. I had felt those things for months now but never voiced them. Now that they were out, they honestly hurt, and they hurt bad.

  “Well, the way I see it, you have two choices. You stay and try to fix it, or you move your happy ass on,” she said matter of factly.

  “It’s not that easy, Jen, and you know it. Twenty-five years is a long time. You can’t just walk away from it so easily. What will everyone think? What will I do? Where will I go? I can’t just walk out of my life.”

  “Then fix it.”

  “Honestly, Jen, I don’t know if I have the energy to fix it or if I even want to. I’m tired. I’m tired of the same old, same old. I’m tired of having to convince Daniel that this marriage is actually a marriage, that he’s actually a part of it. I’m tired of feeling unloved and unwanted.”

  “Then get out. It’s that simple, Kate.”

  That was easy for Jen
to say. She had a husband who adored her. Their picture would be found in the dictionary under “relationship goals.”

  “How? How do I just get out, Jen? You make it sound so easy. There are so many moving parts.”

  “You just do it, Kate. For fuck’s sake! You have one life, Kate Jones. Just one. Are you going to stay in a marriage that is unfulfilling and settle, or are you going to take control of your life and get out of it what you truly want?”

  I loved when Jen got all passionate with me. She went all fiery and her long mane of red curls started bouncing and sashaying down her back. It’s like her hair was as heated as she was. I loved her for it. I loved that she was real. I loved that she wasn’t afraid to speak the hard shit and I loved that she never apologized for it when she did. Jen was Jen. We met years ago, when our kids were in elementary school. A chance encounter in a third-grade classroom that had spun into a beautiful friendship over the years. I’d never had a friend quite like Jen. I was grateful for her.

  “Kate, I’m not going to beat around the bush with you. You know that’s not how I work. I’ve watched you over the last few months. You’ve grown quieter, you’ve tried to withdraw from our circle of friends, you break plans…you’re just not you. Do you really want to keep living this way? You’re at a crossroad, my friend. Which road are you going to take?”

  “God, I hate you sometimes, Jen.” I smiled as I said it.

  She was right, of course. Jen was always right when it came to life. She lived it so fully, enjoyed it so thoroughly, and didn’t understand why others couldn’t or wouldn’t.

  “I know I need to figure this out, but it’s easier said than done. Part of me wants him to love me again. I want him to desire me. Fuck, I want him to fucking touch me. And then part of me wants out. Part of me desires so much more than what I have now. I struggle with wondering if I’m wrong to want those things.”

  “Please tell me you’re kidding,” snapped Jen. “Kate, you’re not wrong for wanting those things. Those things are normal. Every woman wants those things. The question is, how are you going to get them?”

  Chapter Two

  “How am I going to get them?” This question kept rolling around in my head. I had slept like shit the night before after meeting with Jen. Some of the things she had said made perfect sense to me, yet I had no idea which direction I should choose.

  Do I stay? Do I stay and try to work on my marriage, again, and continue this constant struggle, or do I go and try living life anew? God, why did this have to be so difficult? Why couldn’t he just love me the way I needed him to? Why was he always so difficult? Had he always been this difficult? Was I simply too blinded by love to see it, or had he evolved over the years because of his job?

  I knew Daniel had a tough job. Being the District Attorney brought a lot of responsibility and stress. It was all consuming. Yet, I’d supported him for so many years. I’d been there cheering him on, telling him he had this, raising our children so he could continue to work on his dream. However, as he lived his dream, I was slowly fading. Fading into the background of our life. Does he even see it? Does he see me? I don’t think he does. He hasn’t seen me in a very long time.

  There was a time when we were young and in love. Our desire and passion for each other was electric. We’d met in college my freshman year. Daniel was a junior. He asked me out to dinner on my second day of class and we became inseparable. Daniel and Kate were a power couple. Him, the handsome law student, so charming and charismatic, not to mention his gorgeous good looks. Standing six-foot-tall, his sandy blonde hair, light brown eyes and physique made every girl swoon. I especially loved his “V.” It was crazy not to be physically attracted to him, but what got me about Daniel was his heart. He had a heart to help those who couldn’t help themselves, the underdogs, those who felt voiceless. It was that passion that made me fall in love with him.

  I’d watched it erode over the years, though. His heart hardened, and money and power became his motivation. Every now and then, I’d see glimmers of the man I fell in love with, but he had definitely changed. Gone was the softness that I so loved about him. In its place was a hard, money-driven man whom I didn’t really like. Daniel came to like control and power, and he wouldn’t let anything get in his way of achieving it. We simply existed together. There was nothing more. I often wondered if I should try to make it work again, but I was at the point in my life where I was all out of trying. I’m tired. No, I’m freaking exhausted. I honestly don’t have it in me to fight this fight anymore.

  I made the decision then and there to talk to Daniel. I wanted to know what he wanted. Did he still want me, or was he ready to have a life without me in it? I decided to pop into his office for lunch.

  I’ll bring us both a sandwich, so we can chat for a while, I thought. I wanted to feel him out. I wanted to see where his head was when it came to our marriage. Maybe me popping in would remind him of what we once had. Maybe I’d see the soft side of him that I so deeply loved.

  As I drove to Daniel’s office, my mind wandered to when we were first married. We were so young and in love. I loved this man with every fiber of my being, and he loved me. I felt his love for me. I felt his passion for me. The way he looked at me always gave me butterflies in my stomach.

  “God, what the hell happened to us?”

  As I made my way toward Daniel’s receptionist, Mary, I noticed the look of surprise on her face. I hadn’t been by the office in months. She was probably shocked to see me.

  “Hi, Mary.”

  “Mrs. Jones, I didn’t expect you. Let me just ring Mr. Jones to let him know you are here.”

  “Oh, no, Mary, that’s quite all right,” I said, as I walked by her desk. “I’m here to surprise him with lunch.”

  With that I walked to Daniel’s office. I didn’t bother knocking as I wanted to see the look on his face when he saw me. I knew he’d be surprised.

  To my horror, I found that time really did stand still at times. As I opened Daniel’s door, he wasn’t sitting at his desk. He sat on his couch, with a leggy brunette straddling him, her shirt unbuttoned and huge breasts in his face.

  “What the fuck?!” was all I could manage.

  “Kate! What the hell are you doing here?” Daniel all but yelped as he pushed the brunette off his lap.

  “Well, I guess you just made my decision that much easier, Daniel.”

  I hurried out of the office. I could hear him calling my name.

  “Kate! Kate! Come back, we need to talk!”

  I ignored him. I flew past Mary’s desk and ran down the three flights of stairs. I didn’t want to get held up at the elevator and let him catch up to me. Tears were brimming. I just wanted out of there as quickly as possible. As I ran to my car, I couldn’t breathe. The vision of what I just saw was so painful, it took my breath away. How could he do this to me? How could he do this to us?

  I reached my car, got in, and let the tears come. Huge wracking sobs escaped me. I sobbed for what seemed like hours, even though it was only a few minutes. Why, if I wanted out, if I was so miserable, did this cut me so deep? Why was I in so much pain if I was so unhappy in our marriage? It all made perfect sense now. Daniel’s lack of attention, his lack of desire, his absence in our marriage. What a slap in the face. After this long, this is how he chose to treat me, to treat us? The pain was almost unbearable. My heart physically hurt.

  I made my way to Jen’s. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to walk into our house and have what had happened hit me square in the face. I couldn’t bear it. When I knocked on Jen’s door, she was surprised to see me. I fell into her arms, sobbing. I sobbed like I never had before. She let me. Jen didn’t say a word until I was ready. I replayed the horrible scene, sparing no detail, all of which were forever etched on my brain.

  “Kate,” she said softly, “you’ve been unhappy for a very long time, my friend. You finally have your out.”

  As the words my friend spoke washed over me, I knew she was ri
ght. But as the reality of what was happening began to hit me, I wasn’t sure if I wanted this to be my reality anymore. Sure, it was one thing to dream about, but when faced with the raw truth of where my life was headed, I didn’t know if it was the direction I actually wanted it to go. We had been together for so long. We had so much history. What about our kids? How would they get through this? What would everyone think? Could I really live a life without Daniel being a part of it? Did I even know who I was without Daniel? My life had revolved around him for so long, I didn’t think I really knew who I was anymore.

  I stayed the night at Jen’s. I simplyh couldn’t face Daniel right then. He tried calling my cell numerous times, but I ignored it. He finally gave up and called Jen. She told him I was there and wouldn’t be coming home tonight. She said Daniel sounded worried and sad. I didn’t really care how he sounded. I was still trying to wrap my brain around the events that had unfolded earlier that afternoon.

  Could I really leave? Could I really begin again? The thought of it was daunting. What was a forty-three-year-old woman, with two kids in college—who put her career on hold to raise her family—supposed to do? Where would I even start? Could I really live this life without Daniel?

  The pain of that thought was overwhelming. Yes, we had grown apart over the years, but we still had a life together, if you could call it that. No matter how distant we had become, Daniel was still a constant in my life. I didn’t know if I could give that up. Honestly, I didn’t know if I would actually be able to.

  The next morning when I woke up, Jen was waiting for me in the kitchen with a steaming cup of black coffee.